Dear Tabby

Recently my family brought this totally obnoxious beast thing called a dog. He chases me about the house, eats my food, picks me up by the scruff and carries me around the house like a chew toy. He digs through the trash and drags it all over the house. He digs up my litter box and (this is so gross) uses my droppings for snacks. He is about as horrible as horrible can get.

Today he pawed his way onto the couch and chased me off my mommy's lap. Then he (and this is even more gross) licked her face. Do you know what she said? “Thank god for doggies.” Would God really create a disgusting creature like dogs?

Lancelot

Dear Lancelot:

Why aren't you asking about ways to get back at the dog? That would be my first concern. And, trust me, mommy and daddy have made us suffer with four of them, including a disgusting neanderthal beast named Chutney.

Never trust people when they talk about God. For thousands of years they thought we were Gods. Then they lowered their sights and decided he was one of them. So they really don't understand God at all. Trust me, God did not create dogs.

You see people don't understand evolution either. If they did, they would know that dogs don't even belong on the evolutionary chart. There are two trunks on the chart. One trunk is pests, such as fleas and worms. They're going nowhere. The other is the trunk of higher creatures.

We are at the top of the trunk, sentient beings in control of our environment. People are one rung below us. They exist to serve us and keep us happy. They feed us and parent us and give us beds. Below them are food and toys like birds, fish and mice. Then there are just toys, like insects. You will notice that there are no dogs.

No one knows where dogs came from. Some cats think they are pests like fleas and worms, but pests are far easier to put up with.

Don't blame God for dogs. She is no more responsible for dogs then she is for kill shelters. The highest cat authorities believe they sprang from our nightmares or mutated from something particularly bad we left in the litter box (which explains why they like to snack there). There is no other reasonable explanation.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
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