Your people are your pets

Monthly Archives: March 2013

Dear Tabby

Recently my family brought this totally obnoxious beast thing called a dog. He chases me about the house, eats my food, picks me up by the scruff and carries me around the house like a chew toy. He digs through the trash and drags it all over the house. He digs up my litter box and (this is so gross) uses my droppings for snacks. He is about as horrible as horrible can get.

Today he pawed his way onto the couch and chased me off my mommy's lap. Then he (and this is even more gross) licked her face. Do you know what she said? “Thank god for doggies.” Would God really create a disgusting creature like dogs?

Lancelot

Dear Lancelot:

Why aren't you asking about ways to get back at the dog? That would be my first concern. And, trust me, mommy and daddy have made us suffer with four of them, including a disgusting neanderthal beast named Chutney.

Never trust people when they talk about God. For thousands of years they thought we were Gods. Then they lowered their sights and decided he was one of them. So they really don't understand God at all. Trust me, God did not create dogs.

You see people don't understand evolution either. If they did, they would know that dogs don't even belong on the evolutionary chart. There are two trunks on the chart. One trunk is pests, such as fleas and worms. They're going nowhere. The other is the trunk of higher creatures.

We are at the top of the trunk, sentient beings in control of our environment. People are one rung below us. They exist to serve us and keep us happy. They feed us and parent us and give us beds. Below them are food and toys like birds, fish and mice. Then there are just toys, like insects. You will notice that there are no dogs.

No one knows where dogs came from. Some cats think they are pests like fleas and worms, but pests are far easier to put up with.

Don't blame God for dogs. She is no more responsible for dogs then she is for kill shelters. The highest cat authorities believe they sprang from our nightmares or mutated from something particularly bad we left in the litter box (which explains why they like to snack there). There is no other reasonable explanation.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
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Dear Tabby

For some reason my mommy thinks I should sit in her lap whenever she feels like it. I can be digging up ashes in the fireplace or running across the mantle knocking things to the floor, doing perfectly fine by myself when she will pat her lap and expect me to jump on it and sit patiently while she pets me. Do I have to put up with this?

Stripey

This person has not yet been properly trained by her cat. She can't tell that her cat is simply putting up with her untimely affections. (Photo courtesy of oxyfresh.com.)

Dear Stripey:

People think you want to share their company when they need affection, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of cats. Dogs want to share affection when people need it. In fact, dogs want to slobber over people whenever they get the chance. Cats do not like needy people. We want our humans to be available when we want to be petted. And we want to be petted when people think they have something better to do.

It's time to start training your person. This is the only way she will understand who controls the petting schedule. Until your person is properly trained, you need to hide whenever she is otherwise unoccupied and most in need of cuddling. This may be painful, but a well-trained person is a happy cat.

You should demand affection when your person is completely occupied with an activity. Pumpkin and I trained our mommy and daddy by only showing up when they were typing on their computers, eating dinner or reading on the toilet. Then you should insert yourself physically in a way that can't be ignored. Try batting at her hands or shoulder with your claws extended just enough to prick her, but not break her skin. Circle behind her and leap on her shoulders from a high spot. Sit down on her hands when she is typing and roll belly up in a manner that is utterly endearing.

By and far the best time to train your person is when she is sleeping. Sit on her pillow and pull at her hair. Bat at her nose. Most importantly, make biscuits and call her name when she is sleeping. When she wakes up angry, crawl into her arms, nuzzle her and purr as loudly as possible. Even if you don't feel it. With practice you can fake a purr so convincingly, she will wrap you in her arms and pet you. She may even sit up and give you her full attention.

With time and training, your person will give affection at the slightest prompting, but find other ways to entertain themselves when they're just being needy.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 


Dear Tabby

What is an Ellen? Every afternoon my mommy sits in front of the TV and ignores me for an hour. She ignores everyone except the TV and her friends that she tweets with to watch something called Ellen and tweet about Ellen. Every week or so, she picks me up and puts me in her lap to watch kittens open doors or climb in boxes or sit in drawers or do something else that cats do every single day as though it's special and I should be impressed. I don't get it. Am I missing something?

Ellen Kitty

Dear Ellen Kitty:

Since your mommy named you Ellen kitty, you do seem to miss the obvious. Ellen is not a thing, she's a person. Well, she's more than a person. She's a cat person. I don't mean someone who likes cats. Ellen really is a cat who passes as a person. Cats who watch Ellen know this because she leaps across her table and stretches in her chair and plays tricks on people. She also has lots of cats at home to keep her company.

Not all parents watch Ellen. Some watch Oprah and others watch The View. But cats watch Ellen because Ellen is a cat person. She plays with guests the way we play with our rubber mice. Why? Because she's a cat person. As a tribute to the world's best cat person, we are naming Ellen our Cat Person of the month.

March's official cat person: Ellen before she puts on her people makeup.

Ellen's real name is Ellen Degenpurrus. She wakes every morning alongside her cats and Portia, the woman who takes care of them. Then she puts on her people make up and climbs in her carrier so Portia can take her to her studio, where people have to wait on her hand in feet (another sure sign she's really a cat). She is such a great cat person that her mommy named you after her.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 



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