Okay, I was a bad girl, so mommy suspended my internet privileges, even though I was being so helpful. I can’t tell you what I did because she still gets mad even when daddy mentions it (he thinks it’s kind of funny, but he can’t even smile about it in front of her).
Until she lets me back on, he snuck this on for me.
27 cats who I think were naughtier than me but mommy wouldn’t agree.
Write Jenny
Don’t understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can’t answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Dear Tabby
Why won’t mommy and daddy share their food with me? I try everything. I stand next their chairs looking cute, but they ignore me. I leap on the stove when mommy's back is turned and try to sneak a piece from the frying pan. She smacks me with a spoon. I leap on the table during the meal and ask politely and daddy picks me up and carries me to the bedroom and locks me in.
Adorable but ignored
It's hardly fair. I play for them. I dance for them. I purr for them. But they eat fresh salmon and fresh chicken and ham. I get stuff from a box and a can. What should I do?
Hungry and confused? Well, confused anyway.
Dear Hungry and confused:
Do you share your food with them? If you're selfish, why shouldn't they be? Try setting the example and see how your parents respond. Instead of hogging your food, save some for your parents. Imagine how much more they would love you if they woke up in the morning with a mouthful of turkey and giblets waiting for them on their pillow? Or how much they would enjoy sitting on the couch with their magazine and a cup of coffee only to find some Iams premium chicken fillets in gravy waiting for them?
It would be a lot more appetizing than sitting on a hairball.
But if you aren’t willing to give up a few precious bites of your dinner, why should they?
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Posted with BlogsyDear Tabby
Why would my mommy and daddy name me something stupid like ball sack? I'm the only kitty in the house named after a body part. But then, when I need to groom myself in that exact region of my body, mommy freaks out and pulls my leg down. Especially when I do it in front of guests.
Personally, I think every kitty name is dumb. Fluffy, Sweety Pie, Precious. They're all dumb. So why bother? Especially a body part I'm not allowed to groom?
Ball sack
Dear Balzac:
I've explained it to you several times when you sit around whining. Your name is “Balzac.” You were named after a French poet. I hear mommy explain it at adoption days when people ask her the same thing.
This is a poet, not a body part.
As to why humans name cats what they do, it's clear they're too clueless to figure out our real names. And they probably couldn't pronounce them if they could. Don't take it personally. They just name cats names that they think are cute. It has nothing to do with you. You don't even get to keep your name when someone adopts you. The new people come up with a new name that could be even dumber.
PS: We all groom there, dummy. We're just smart enough to do it when mommy isn't in the room. Except for Teddy who does it when he sits in daddy's lap. And on his chest and on the bed and on the dinner table. But Teddy, as much as mommy and daddy love him, is four claws short of a paw. What's your excuse?
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Dear Tabby
I was watching Anderson Cooper on CNN and he put my Vanity Plate on his Ridiculist as a ridiculous vanity plate. You might ask why I would be writing you, but I have a very good reason. You see, my life partner Cinthea and I have gone through a rocky period and one of the things we agreed on as we decided to rechart our relationship with a new start was that we should foster three Siamese from the kill shelter in our community outside of Dallas.
We were watching Arrested Development on Netflix and the character Tobias Funke had also been going through a rough patch, well, if you know the show he has been going through a rough patch for the entire series but that's neither here nor there, so he decided to chart a new start for his own life and symbolized that with a vanity plate: “ANUSTART.”
Cinthea and I were so taken by that idea that we had the same vanity plate made in Texas, but with a Siamese cat on it to symbolize our new rescue efforts. We are proud to drive our Mini Cooper, especially on the George Bush Freeway, letting people know about our new Siamese start. And people have been honking and waving.
We were inspired to buy this vanity plate by an episode of Arrested Development.
How dare Anderson Cooper make fun of the good will and good faith of people looking to make fun of people looking to make a new start on their lives. Shame on him. And we don't say this because he's LGBT, since we are proud members of that community as well and believe LGBT marriage is an essential part of the ANUSTART philosophy.
Being Siamese yourself, and not just Siamese, but profoundly polydactyl we thought you, of all cats, would appreciate our predicament, and thought our outrage might be more likely to come to Anderson Cooper's attention if we were to bring this to the attention of you and your fans than if it were to end up lost in his email box.
In fact, we were hoping to encourage your readers to join an ANUSTART campaign with us. Maybe we could convince Austin Siamese Rescue to sell Siamese ANUSTART t-shirts. What do you think? Then we could take group photos and send them to CNN! That would put Anderson Cooper in his place.
Siamese solidarity!
Simone de Simonroe
Dear Simone:
I am grateful that you think I could be of some assistance, even though I have absolutely no influence over humans that I am aware of other than to pester my own mother when I am hungry or want her to clean the litter box. I can’t get daddy to do much of anything other than to pick me up and pet me. I don’t even know what an Anderson Cooper is, but I will scratch at mommy’s leg and maybe she will do something about it. Right now she and daddy are just laughing and forwarding your email to all their friends.
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Dear Tabby
Why can't I get respect? Whenever I try to get attention from my mommy, the other cats push me out of the way? They get to lie on the bed and I don't. Mommy always says “bad” when I do things, and I get the feeling the other cats laugh at me. In fact, I get the feeling everybody laughs at me. Why can't I get respect?
Pearl
And you wonder why you get no respect?pawsforaminute.com
Dear Pearl:
First of all, you're a dog. The fact that you haven't figured that out yet might be one of the reasons no one respects you. Secondly, you're a dog. The only creatures who think dogs are superior to cats are dogs and people who never lived with dogs and cats. Thirdly, you get no respect because whenever mommy or daddy calls one of the cats you stick your nose in their hand as though they were calling you. Which they weren't.
Here's a hint: If they want to pet you, they'll call, “Pearl.” If they call, “Jenny Manytoes,” or “Fred” or “Pumpkin,” they aren't calling you. And if you hear, “P…” wait for the rest of it. Don't start running.
Oh, what, they don't call “Pearl” as often as they call “Jenny Manytoes?” Maybe that's because I don't stick my head in their hand every time they call Pearl.
Here are some other tricks I learned. I get to stay on the bed because I don't jump up and down on their bladders, I don't pee outside the litter box. I don't knock my water bowl over to dash off whenever they call another cat's name hoping they mean me. I don't bark at the window just because there's a mean and nasty squirrel that might be trying to break into the house and steal my food. I don't whimper when it thunders. And I don't put my paws over my head and look pathetic when I did something wrong.
Oh, who am I kidding. You probably quit reading the last paragraph after the first sentence because you ran off to bark at the doorbell ringing on the TV. I don't know why Teddy likes to play with you. Then again, Teddy was always one door short of a bell himself.
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
George is really June's cat person of the month but i'm calling it july because daddy's computer went into the shop just before he was finished with it. Which was unfortunate because readers know I had just been hassled by Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait because I wasn't “posting on schedule” enough to suit her mommy.
George Takeitty is July's cat person of the month.
If you're reading this in June, wait a day, we'll get to July and then no one will even notice.
It was an awful time for us rescue cats because the air conditioning went out in mommy's and daddy's house and they had something called insurance and a warranty to cover it so the repair person was out the next day only he said the one part they needed to fix it, the blower, which is kind of a basic part (since no air conditioner can work without one) was in Dallas and it would take a week to get here and that's when daddy said he would drive to Dallas to get the part only he used a lot of words that mommy said weren't very Christian words before the word part.
Then the air conditioning guy said it didn't work that way because the company wouldn't be liable for a part he transported and daddy would have to buy the part on top of that and then mommy used even more of those words that weren't very Christian but said Jesus would forgive her under the circumstances but she wasn't sure he would forgive a local air conditioning repair company for stocking a part so basic to the number one model they sell.
Especially since this is the third summer in a row since this company sold us the air conditioner and the third summer the air conditioner broke down and the third different part that had to come from Dallas even though it was basic, like a blower or a coil.
So we were two days into life without air conditioning and it was ninety degrees in the house only the overhead fan went out and then the attic fan and the attic fan repair guy refused to fix that because he said we had to cut a hole in our roof so mommy and daddy called a contractor who said the fan guy was full of more unchristian words because he could fit in the attic just fine and mommy and daddy would be stupid to cut a hole in their roof. So they reported the fan repair guy to the insurance company and that was when it got so hot the fans went out in daddy's computer only the connections were too small for him to fix so he had to send it off. But we still had no fan.
So I had no picture of George Takeitty to post and we were all lolling around the house melting into the couches and tables and floors and then mommy and daddy decided to get an air conditioner just for their room which meant all of us got in a lot of fights to see who would get to sleep in their room next to them until they finally threw us all out into the rooms with just the floor fans where we had to fight over who got to sit in the breeze but it didn't bother them because they were shut up in the room with air conditioning.
Even if daddy's computer worked it would have been too hot to bother to post George as cat person of the month as much as he deserved it.
But daddy’s computer finally got back, the blower finally got here from Dallas, the room refrigerator is tucked away in the closet for next summer when the air conditioner breaks down again and they have to send to Dallas for another part that you would think they would stock.
George Takeitty would stock it. They could make it on the Star Ship Enterprise. That's probably why he made such a good navigator, because of his cat like instincts. He let his claws out in an early episode of Star Trek when he fenced his way down the corridor showing some graceful catlike moves. You could even hear the purr in his voice, when he says, “Yes captain.”
You should also check out his tweets, which are, admittedly far more abundant than mine. There are no tweets more catty online or off than George Takeitty's. Like what gay weddings aren't responsible for, or “Justice Ginsberg rides a flying unicorn that leaves a trail of rainbows.” I don't even get either one, but you have to admit thaey're catty. This post about living with dogs shows he knows all about a cat's life.
Who but a true cat persob would understand this cat's situation?
Daddy told me that mommy reads George's tweets more than anybody else's tweets. I guess there's an app for that. Or maybe he just tweets more than other cat people.
Mommy showed this post to a friend and she said I must have a thing about gay people because both Ellen Degenpurrus and George Takeitty are gay. Well of course I prefer gay people. Have you ever had to put up with sour people. I remember having to go to adoption day before daddy finally persuaded mommy that she should adopt me. There was a sour puss who worked with Siamese Rescue, who never had a good thing to say about people or cat.
Mommy, who's the gayest person I know, would always point out how pretty a cat was, and how she would sleep on your lap, or cuddle on your shoulder. And then miss sour puss would point out that one of her adopted cats cost a thousand dollars in vet bills and another wouldn't let her carry her around the house whenever she wanted. The adopter would always walk away and the kitty would lose a home.
So I say, if he's gay, then all the more proof that George Takeitty is really one of us. We love you George.
Dear Tabby
Mommy says you haven't posted to your blog in several weeks. She says you can't be very dependable if you can't keep to some semblance of a regular schedule. She says you haven't posted a cat of the month since March and you don't tweet several times a day like most people, you don't even tweet once a day or once a week. She says she is very perturbed at you and your mother needs to have a serious talk with you about your responsibilities.
Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait
Dear Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait:
First of all, you're a cat. If your mother wants to send me a message she can do it herself. But with a name like “Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait” I can tell she's forced way too much humanity on you. I bet you have a collar with bells around your neck and a bow behind your ears and on your tail and she sprays you with perfume and powders you and carries you around in a special little bag like a chihuahua dog.
Cats only talk when they need something from people, so they're lucky I tweet as often as I do. Mommy just suggested i do it to promote my blog and I think I've already taken far too much time from sunning in the window.
As to a schedule, the only schedule cats understand is our stomach and nap time. Schedules are something people do. Ask yourself: If your mommy didn't make you keep a schedule, would you? Really?
Really? Come stay with us and see what happens to your schedule. Mommy used to have a schedule but then she took in more fosters and that went out the window. Then she retired from something called work and you know what? She likes it our way! She eats when she gets around to it and she sleeps when she feels like it and if daddy gets hungry he can fix something himself, which he doesn't. So it works out fine.
And if your mommy really wants me to answer questions more often, she can always send me some. My email is below. I bet if she sent me four or five good questions your life would be a lot happier. I can tell that just by your name.
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Dear Tabby
My mommy just had a new baby and my kittens are due in a couple of weeks. I'm afraid the new baby will hurt my kittens. I heard that babies suck the breath out of kittens and put their heads in their mouths. I love my mommy, but nothing is more important than my kittens. Is there any way to get rid of the baby?
Miss Puss
Look at this baby attacking the big kitty. Imagine him with newborns. (Photo by Inviting Smiles.)
Dear Miss Puss:
You are right to be worried. Human babies suck the life out of families. Before the baby is expected you are the center of attention. Now it's the baby, and the baby demands a lot more attention than cats ever did. In fact, the baby sucks the life out of the entire family. Mommy and Daddy walk around like sleep-deprived zombies and the kids tiptoe like they're walking on ice. The baby screams all the time too.
Yes, babies can be dangerous to kittens. Not when they lie there sucking the life out of everything, but once they get moving. They become more and more dangerous in stages. You think they're bad as babies, wait till they start to walk and can pick your kittens up by the tale. After that they hide us in laundry baskets and dress us up like dolls. Then they turn into teenagers and suck the life out of the entire neighborhood.
By the time they're old enough to pick your kittens up, your kittens will be adults, and that's the good thing. But you and your kittens can't defend yourselves because the baby will cry like you're the bad guy.
Kittens, on the other hand, are self sufficient as soon as they're weaned. They're playful and like to cuddle and only bring joy to mommies and daddy's. All people need to do is feed them and change their litter and kittens will bring far more joy than babies. If people could figure that out, we would have far fewer babies and more kittens.
If it were up to me, and most other cats, humans would create a pound for babies. That way, when they get too troublesome, you can drop them off and let parents equipped to deal with babies handle them. Maybe they could even put them to sleep like they do with us. If there's anything kitties like it's a nice long nap. Babies should like it just as much. Who doesn't like sleeping?
Until people figure that out, however, we're stuck with babies. Just teach your kittens to stay away from the baby and they should be safe. If they don't listen, they will learn on their own the first time the baby sticks their heads in his mouth.
Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Breaking News:
Good news for kitties. While the Republicans were out doing anti-gun control press conferences the Democrats passed the Kind to Kitties Act, which President Obama, the coolest cat in Washington, signed into law today.
The kind to Kitties act requires people to feed strays and not turn them into the pound. People who do surrender kitties have to undergo pet counseling with a licensed feline psychiatrist. Every domestic kitty gets to share the pillow with her people. And, best of all, the government will build a house for any homeless person who adopts a kitty.
The new law will be paid for buy a tax on sport hunters and NRA lobbyists.
Mommy is already planning for an addition to the house to take in more kitties. When daddy asked, “Don't we have enough?” She told him about tax incentives to foster parents who convert rooms to foster shelters. Daddy is now down with it.
Dear Tabby
For some reason my mommy thinks I should sit in her lap whenever she feels like it. I can be digging up ashes in the fireplace or running across the mantle knocking things to the floor, doing perfectly fine by myself when she will pat her lap and expect me to jump on it and sit patiently while she pets me. Do I have to put up with this?
Stripey
This person has not yet been properly trained by her cat. She can't tell that her cat is simply putting up with her untimely affections. (Photo courtesy of oxyfresh.com.)
Dear Stripey:
People think you want to share their company when they need affection, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of cats. Dogs want to share affection when people need it. In fact, dogs want to slobber over people whenever they get the chance. Cats do not like needy people. We want our humans to be available when we want to be petted. And we want to be petted when people think they have something better to do.
It's time to start training your person. This is the only way she will understand who controls the petting schedule. Until your person is properly trained, you need to hide whenever she is otherwise unoccupied and most in need of cuddling. This may be painful, but a well-trained person is a happy cat.
You should demand affection when your person is completely occupied with an activity. Pumpkin and I trained our mommy and daddy by only showing up when they were typing on their computers, eating dinner or reading on the toilet. Then you should insert yourself physically in a way that can't be ignored. Try batting at her hands or shoulder with your claws extended just enough to prick her, but not break her skin. Circle behind her and leap on her shoulders from a high spot. Sit down on her hands when she is typing and roll belly up in a manner that is utterly endearing.
By and far the best time to train your person is when she is sleeping. Sit on her pillow and pull at her hair. Bat at her nose. Most importantly, make biscuits and call her name when she is sleeping. When she wakes up angry, crawl into her arms, nuzzle her and purr as loudly as possible. Even if you don't feel it. With practice you can fake a purr so convincingly, she will wrap you in her arms and pet you. She may even sit up and give you her full attention.
With time and training, your person will give affection at the slightest prompting, but find other ways to entertain themselves when they're just being needy.
This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.
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Write Jenny
Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:
- How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
- How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
- How do I drive away that pesky dog?
Also follow:
Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat
Dear Tabby 