Your people are your pets

Category Archives: People expectations

Dear Tabby

Mommy says you haven't posted to your blog in several weeks. She says you can't be very dependable if you can't keep to some semblance of a regular schedule. She says you haven't posted a cat of the month since March and you don't tweet several times a day like most people, you don't even tweet once a day or once a week. She says she is very perturbed at you and your mother needs to have a serious talk with you about your responsibilities.

Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait

Dear Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait:

First of all, you're a cat. If your mother wants to send me a message she can do it herself. But with a name like “Mademoiselle Parfum du Parfait” I can tell she's forced way too much humanity on you. I bet you have a collar with bells around your neck and a bow behind your ears and on your tail and she sprays you with perfume and powders you and carries you around in a special little bag like a chihuahua dog.

Cats only talk when they need something from people, so they're lucky I tweet as often as I do. Mommy just suggested i do it to promote my blog and I think I've already taken far too much time from sunning in the window.

As to a schedule, the only schedule cats understand is our stomach and nap time. Schedules are something people do. Ask yourself: If your mommy didn't make you keep a schedule, would you? Really?

Really? Come stay with us and see what happens to your schedule. Mommy used to have a schedule but then she took in more fosters and that went out the window. Then she retired from something called work and you know what? She likes it our way! She eats when she gets around to it and she sleeps when she feels like it and if daddy gets hungry he can fix something himself, which he doesn't. So it works out fine.

And if your mommy really wants me to answer questions more often, she can always send me some. My email is below. I bet if she sent me four or five good questions your life would be a lot happier. I can tell that just by your name.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

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Dear Tabby

For some reason, when I present myself1 to my parents, they push me away. I don't understand. I know of no better way to reestablish our connection. But they seem to be offended. What gives?

Snuggles

Presentation is everything, but people don't get that.
(Photo by The Original Turtle.)

Dear Snuggles:

The worst mistake you can make is to think of your people as cats. People are not cats. If you read last week's blog you will know they are one step down the evolutionary tree. They evolved to feed us and provide us homes. This means their sense organs aren't as highly evolved because they don't need to be.

People don't have a highly developed sense of smell. They can only smell strong things like litter boxes and food with fish. This explains why they let litter boxes sit for a day or too instead of cleaning them immediately like they're supposed to. It's pointless to present yourself because people can't detect the subtleties of individual cats.

People also have strange behaviors. For some reason they don't like anything to do with the behind. It could be because they don't have tails of their own so they find behinds embarrassing, especially their own underdeveloped behinds. Or it could be that presenting yourself reminds them that they don't have beautiful tails and that upsets them.

Or they may just hate anything to do with body functions. In our house when we throw up, our mommy cleans it immediately instead of leaving it for the dog.

Just remember, your people really exist to feed you and pet you. You may, with time, grow to love them as though they were cats, but they aren't really cats. They have no appreciation of the finer things, so present yourself to other cats who care, but don't waste your tail on people.


1For our people readers, “presenting yourself” is a long established feline tradition. In order to introduce ourselves, or remind another cat of our bond, we allow them to enjoy the aromas that emanate from beneath our tails. This involves placing our tail just above the nostrils so that our essence will be the most pungent and enjoyable. back

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 


Breaking News:

Good news for kitties. While the Republicans were out doing anti-gun control press conferences the Democrats passed the Kind to Kitties Act, which President Obama, the coolest cat in Washington, signed into law today.

The kind to Kitties act requires people to feed strays and not turn them into the pound. People who do surrender kitties have to undergo pet counseling with a licensed feline psychiatrist. Every domestic kitty gets to share the pillow with her people. And, best of all, the government will build a house for any homeless person who adopts a kitty.

The new law will be paid for buy a tax on sport hunters and NRA lobbyists.

Mommy is already planning for an addition to the house to take in more kitties. When daddy asked, “Don't we have enough?” She told him about tax incentives to foster parents who convert rooms to foster shelters. Daddy is now down with it.



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