Your people are your pets

Monthly Archives: April 2013

Dear Tabby

My mommy just had a new baby and my kittens are due in a couple of weeks. I'm afraid the new baby will hurt my kittens. I heard that babies suck the breath out of kittens and put their heads in their mouths. I love my mommy, but nothing is more important than my kittens. Is there any way to get rid of the baby?

Miss Puss

Look at this baby attacking the big kitty. Imagine him with newborns. (Photo by Inviting Smiles.)

Dear Miss Puss:

You are right to be worried. Human babies suck the life out of families. Before the baby is expected you are the center of attention. Now it's the baby, and the baby demands a lot more attention than cats ever did. In fact, the baby sucks the life out of the entire family. Mommy and Daddy walk around like sleep-deprived zombies and the kids tiptoe like they're walking on ice. The baby screams all the time too.

Yes, babies can be dangerous to kittens. Not when they lie there sucking the life out of everything, but once they get moving. They become more and more dangerous in stages. You think they're bad as babies, wait till they start to walk and can pick your kittens up by the tale. After that they hide us in laundry baskets and dress us up like dolls. Then they turn into teenagers and suck the life out of the entire neighborhood.

By the time they're old enough to pick your kittens up, your kittens will be adults, and that's the good thing. But you and your kittens can't defend yourselves because the baby will cry like you're the bad guy.

Kittens, on the other hand, are self sufficient as soon as they're weaned. They're playful and like to cuddle and only bring joy to mommies and daddy's. All people need to do is feed them and change their litter and kittens will bring far more joy than babies. If people could figure that out, we would have far fewer babies and more kittens.

If it were up to me, and most other cats, humans would create a pound for babies. That way, when they get too troublesome, you can drop them off and let parents equipped to deal with babies handle them. Maybe they could even put them to sleep like they do with us. If there's anything kitties like it's a nice long nap. Babies should like it just as much. Who doesn't like sleeping?

Until people figure that out, however, we're stuck with babies. Just teach your kittens to stay away from the baby and they should be safe. If they don't listen, they will learn on their own the first time the baby sticks their heads in his mouth.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Advertisements

Dear Tabby

For some reason, when I present myself1 to my parents, they push me away. I don't understand. I know of no better way to reestablish our connection. But they seem to be offended. What gives?

Snuggles

Presentation is everything, but people don't get that.
(Photo by The Original Turtle.)

Dear Snuggles:

The worst mistake you can make is to think of your people as cats. People are not cats. If you read last week's blog you will know they are one step down the evolutionary tree. They evolved to feed us and provide us homes. This means their sense organs aren't as highly evolved because they don't need to be.

People don't have a highly developed sense of smell. They can only smell strong things like litter boxes and food with fish. This explains why they let litter boxes sit for a day or too instead of cleaning them immediately like they're supposed to. It's pointless to present yourself because people can't detect the subtleties of individual cats.

People also have strange behaviors. For some reason they don't like anything to do with the behind. It could be because they don't have tails of their own so they find behinds embarrassing, especially their own underdeveloped behinds. Or it could be that presenting yourself reminds them that they don't have beautiful tails and that upsets them.

Or they may just hate anything to do with body functions. In our house when we throw up, our mommy cleans it immediately instead of leaving it for the dog.

Just remember, your people really exist to feed you and pet you. You may, with time, grow to love them as though they were cats, but they aren't really cats. They have no appreciation of the finer things, so present yourself to other cats who care, but don't waste your tail on people.


1For our people readers, “presenting yourself” is a long established feline tradition. In order to introduce ourselves, or remind another cat of our bond, we allow them to enjoy the aromas that emanate from beneath our tails. This involves placing our tail just above the nostrils so that our essence will be the most pungent and enjoyable. back

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 


Breaking News:

Good news for kitties. While the Republicans were out doing anti-gun control press conferences the Democrats passed the Kind to Kitties Act, which President Obama, the coolest cat in Washington, signed into law today.

The kind to Kitties act requires people to feed strays and not turn them into the pound. People who do surrender kitties have to undergo pet counseling with a licensed feline psychiatrist. Every domestic kitty gets to share the pillow with her people. And, best of all, the government will build a house for any homeless person who adopts a kitty.

The new law will be paid for buy a tax on sport hunters and NRA lobbyists.

Mommy is already planning for an addition to the house to take in more kitties. When daddy asked, “Don't we have enough?” She told him about tax incentives to foster parents who convert rooms to foster shelters. Daddy is now down with it.



%d bloggers like this: