Your people are your pets

Author Archives: Phillip T Stephens

Dear Tabby

What is an Ellen? Every afternoon my mommy sits in front of the TV and ignores me for an hour. She ignores everyone except the TV and her friends that she tweets with to watch something called Ellen and tweet about Ellen. Every week or so, she picks me up and puts me in her lap to watch kittens open doors or climb in boxes or sit in drawers or do something else that cats do every single day as though it's special and I should be impressed. I don't get it. Am I missing something?

Ellen Kitty

Dear Ellen Kitty:

Since your mommy named you Ellen kitty, you do seem to miss the obvious. Ellen is not a thing, she's a person. Well, she's more than a person. She's a cat person. I don't mean someone who likes cats. Ellen really is a cat who passes as a person. Cats who watch Ellen know this because she leaps across her table and stretches in her chair and plays tricks on people. She also has lots of cats at home to keep her company.

Not all parents watch Ellen. Some watch Oprah and others watch The View. But cats watch Ellen because Ellen is a cat person. She plays with guests the way we play with our rubber mice. Why? Because she's a cat person. As a tribute to the world's best cat person, we are naming Ellen our Cat Person of the month.

March's official cat person: Ellen before she puts on her people makeup.

Ellen's real name is Ellen Degenpurrus. She wakes every morning alongside her cats and Portia, the woman who takes care of them. Then she puts on her people make up and climbs in her carrier so Portia can take her to her studio, where people have to wait on her hand in feet (another sure sign she's really a cat). She is such a great cat person that her mommy named you after her.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 


Dear Kitties,

Don't forget to leap on the stove and lick up the grease when it's cool. That's the tastiest part.

Jenny

Thanks, Yasmine.

 


Dear Tabby:

Ollie is an orange tabby and I am a tabby tabby. Sometimes mommy leaves stuff on the counter that is perfect for mouseball. Ollie knocks it to the floor and we roll it around the kitchen and living room. We have so much fun. Usually mommy gives us a nasty look and puts the mouseball in a cupboard where we can't play anymore.

But yesterday Mommy came home and found our mouseball had broken and screamed something about priceless crystal sculpture. What happened? Did we do something bad?

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy:

You did nothing wrong. Cats can't be blamed if they find mouseballs to play with. Anything on the floor or that we can knock on the floor is ours to play with. Just like bacon left on the stove is ours to eat. If your mommy didn't want you to play mouseball she shouldn't have left you one.

Write Jenny

Don’t understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can’t answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

Dear Tabby will officially kickoff during the Super Bowl because cats need something to distract them from all that people noise. My mommy and daddy have learned to keep the volume down and never cheer because we startle easily and sink our claws into their toes.

Dear Tabby is a blog for cats to help them understand strange people behavior. For instance, why do we understand people calls but they don’t understand ours?

From kickoff till the end off the game we will follow the Dear Tabby official mouseball game and keep you updated.

Rules of Mouseball

  1. Drop ball onto floor and leave it
  2. Cats may or may not choose to play
  3. Cats who do play may bat the ball wherever
  4. Game ends when cat gets bored
  5. Any cat may resume the game
  6. Players may switch balls at anytime for any reason
  7. If human steps on ball and trips and hurts themselves they still have to feed us and change our litter
  8. (European rules only: cats may not use rear paws or make contact with other cats as if anyone could enforce this)
  9. To score is human. To ignore is cat.
  10. Where’s dinner?

I would like to thank daddy, who translates and types this for me.

Write Jenny

Don’t understand your people? Ask Jenny anything:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Email your questions to Dear Tabby.


this iz the site for all ur peeple kwestions an peeple etiket an mannerz. we ar collekting kwestions now to eksplain y peeple do strange things.



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