Your people are your pets

Baby steps

Dear Tabby

My mommy just had a new baby and my kittens are due in a couple of weeks. I'm afraid the new baby will hurt my kittens. I heard that babies suck the breath out of kittens and put their heads in their mouths. I love my mommy, but nothing is more important than my kittens. Is there any way to get rid of the baby?

Miss Puss

Look at this baby attacking the big kitty. Imagine him with newborns. (Photo by Inviting Smiles.)

Dear Miss Puss:

You are right to be worried. Human babies suck the life out of families. Before the baby is expected you are the center of attention. Now it's the baby, and the baby demands a lot more attention than cats ever did. In fact, the baby sucks the life out of the entire family. Mommy and Daddy walk around like sleep-deprived zombies and the kids tiptoe like they're walking on ice. The baby screams all the time too.

Yes, babies can be dangerous to kittens. Not when they lie there sucking the life out of everything, but once they get moving. They become more and more dangerous in stages. You think they're bad as babies, wait till they start to walk and can pick your kittens up by the tale. After that they hide us in laundry baskets and dress us up like dolls. Then they turn into teenagers and suck the life out of the entire neighborhood.

By the time they're old enough to pick your kittens up, your kittens will be adults, and that's the good thing. But you and your kittens can't defend yourselves because the baby will cry like you're the bad guy.

Kittens, on the other hand, are self sufficient as soon as they're weaned. They're playful and like to cuddle and only bring joy to mommies and daddy's. All people need to do is feed them and change their litter and kittens will bring far more joy than babies. If people could figure that out, we would have far fewer babies and more kittens.

If it were up to me, and most other cats, humans would create a pound for babies. That way, when they get too troublesome, you can drop them off and let parents equipped to deal with babies handle them. Maybe they could even put them to sleep like they do with us. If there's anything kitties like it's a nice long nap. Babies should like it just as much. Who doesn't like sleeping?

Until people figure that out, however, we're stuck with babies. Just teach your kittens to stay away from the baby and they should be safe. If they don't listen, they will learn on their own the first time the baby sticks their heads in his mouth.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

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Be careful with your butt

Dear Tabby

For some reason, when I present myself1 to my parents, they push me away. I don't understand. I know of no better way to reestablish our connection. But they seem to be offended. What gives?

Snuggles

Presentation is everything, but people don't get that.
(Photo by The Original Turtle.)

Dear Snuggles:

The worst mistake you can make is to think of your people as cats. People are not cats. If you read last week's blog you will know they are one step down the evolutionary tree. They evolved to feed us and provide us homes. This means their sense organs aren't as highly evolved because they don't need to be.

People don't have a highly developed sense of smell. They can only smell strong things like litter boxes and food with fish. This explains why they let litter boxes sit for a day or too instead of cleaning them immediately like they're supposed to. It's pointless to present yourself because people can't detect the subtleties of individual cats.

People also have strange behaviors. For some reason they don't like anything to do with the behind. It could be because they don't have tails of their own so they find behinds embarrassing, especially their own underdeveloped behinds. Or it could be that presenting yourself reminds them that they don't have beautiful tails and that upsets them.

Or they may just hate anything to do with body functions. In our house when we throw up, our mommy cleans it immediately instead of leaving it for the dog.

Just remember, your people really exist to feed you and pet you. You may, with time, grow to love them as though they were cats, but they aren't really cats. They have no appreciation of the finer things, so present yourself to other cats who care, but don't waste your tail on people.


1For our people readers, “presenting yourself” is a long established feline tradition. In order to introduce ourselves, or remind another cat of our bond, we allow them to enjoy the aromas that emanate from beneath our tails. This involves placing our tail just above the nostrils so that our essence will be the most pungent and enjoyable. back

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Kind to Kitties Law Passes

Breaking News:

Good news for kitties. While the Republicans were out doing anti-gun control press conferences the Democrats passed the Kind to Kitties Act, which President Obama, the coolest cat in Washington, signed into law today.

The kind to Kitties act requires people to feed strays and not turn them into the pound. People who do surrender kitties have to undergo pet counseling with a licensed feline psychiatrist. Every domestic kitty gets to share the pillow with her people. And, best of all, the government will build a house for any homeless person who adopts a kitty.

The new law will be paid for buy a tax on sport hunters and NRA lobbyists.

Mommy is already planning for an addition to the house to take in more kitties. When daddy asked, “Don't we have enough?” She told him about tax incentives to foster parents who convert rooms to foster shelters. Daddy is now down with it.

Why would a loving, perfect God create dogs?

Dear Tabby

Recently my family brought this totally obnoxious beast thing called a dog. He chases me about the house, eats my food, picks me up by the scruff and carries me around the house like a chew toy. He digs through the trash and drags it all over the house. He digs up my litter box and (this is so gross) uses my droppings for snacks. He is about as horrible as horrible can get.

Today he pawed his way onto the couch and chased me off my mommy's lap. Then he (and this is even more gross) licked her face. Do you know what she said? “Thank god for doggies.” Would God really create a disgusting creature like dogs?

Lancelot

Dear Lancelot:

Why aren't you asking about ways to get back at the dog? That would be my first concern. And, trust me, mommy and daddy have made us suffer with four of them, including a disgusting neanderthal beast named Chutney.

Never trust people when they talk about God. For thousands of years they thought we were Gods. Then they lowered their sights and decided he was one of them. So they really don't understand God at all. Trust me, God did not create dogs.

You see people don't understand evolution either. If they did, they would know that dogs don't even belong on the evolutionary chart. There are two trunks on the chart. One trunk is pests, such as fleas and worms. They're going nowhere. The other is the trunk of higher creatures.

We are at the top of the trunk, sentient beings in control of our environment. People are one rung below us. They exist to serve us and keep us happy. They feed us and parent us and give us beds. Below them are food and toys like birds, fish and mice. Then there are just toys, like insects. You will notice that there are no dogs.

No one knows where dogs came from. Some cats think they are pests like fleas and worms, but pests are far easier to put up with.

Don't blame God for dogs. She is no more responsible for dogs then she is for kill shelters. The highest cat authorities believe they sprang from our nightmares or mutated from something particularly bad we left in the litter box (which explains why they like to snack there). There is no other reasonable explanation.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

Huggy mommy

Dear Tabby

For some reason my mommy thinks I should sit in her lap whenever she feels like it. I can be digging up ashes in the fireplace or running across the mantle knocking things to the floor, doing perfectly fine by myself when she will pat her lap and expect me to jump on it and sit patiently while she pets me. Do I have to put up with this?

Stripey

This person has not yet been properly trained by her cat. She can't tell that her cat is simply putting up with her untimely affections. (Photo courtesy of oxyfresh.com.)

Dear Stripey:

People think you want to share their company when they need affection, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of cats. Dogs want to share affection when people need it. In fact, dogs want to slobber over people whenever they get the chance. Cats do not like needy people. We want our humans to be available when we want to be petted. And we want to be petted when people think they have something better to do.

It's time to start training your person. This is the only way she will understand who controls the petting schedule. Until your person is properly trained, you need to hide whenever she is otherwise unoccupied and most in need of cuddling. This may be painful, but a well-trained person is a happy cat.

You should demand affection when your person is completely occupied with an activity. Pumpkin and I trained our mommy and daddy by only showing up when they were typing on their computers, eating dinner or reading on the toilet. Then you should insert yourself physically in a way that can't be ignored. Try batting at her hands or shoulder with your claws extended just enough to prick her, but not break her skin. Circle behind her and leap on her shoulders from a high spot. Sit down on her hands when she is typing and roll belly up in a manner that is utterly endearing.

By and far the best time to train your person is when she is sleeping. Sit on her pillow and pull at her hair. Bat at her nose. Most importantly, make biscuits and call her name when she is sleeping. When she wakes up angry, crawl into her arms, nuzzle her and purr as loudly as possible. Even if you don't feel it. With practice you can fake a purr so convincingly, she will wrap you in her arms and pet you. She may even sit up and give you her full attention.

With time and training, your person will give affection at the slightest prompting, but find other ways to entertain themselves when they're just being needy.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Ellen is March’s cat person

Dear Tabby

What is an Ellen? Every afternoon my mommy sits in front of the TV and ignores me for an hour. She ignores everyone except the TV and her friends that she tweets with to watch something called Ellen and tweet about Ellen. Every week or so, she picks me up and puts me in her lap to watch kittens open doors or climb in boxes or sit in drawers or do something else that cats do every single day as though it's special and I should be impressed. I don't get it. Am I missing something?

Ellen Kitty

Dear Ellen Kitty:

Since your mommy named you Ellen kitty, you do seem to miss the obvious. Ellen is not a thing, she's a person. Well, she's more than a person. She's a cat person. I don't mean someone who likes cats. Ellen really is a cat who passes as a person. Cats who watch Ellen know this because she leaps across her table and stretches in her chair and plays tricks on people. She also has lots of cats at home to keep her company.

Not all parents watch Ellen. Some watch Oprah and others watch The View. But cats watch Ellen because Ellen is a cat person. She plays with guests the way we play with our rubber mice. Why? Because she's a cat person. As a tribute to the world's best cat person, we are naming Ellen our Cat Person of the month.

March's official cat person: Ellen before she puts on her people makeup.

Ellen's real name is Ellen Degenpurrus. She wakes every morning alongside her cats and Portia, the woman who takes care of them. Then she puts on her people make up and climbs in her carrier so Portia can take her to her studio, where people have to wait on her hand in feet (another sure sign she's really a cat). She is such a great cat person that her mommy named you after her.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Out of the Closet Redux

Dear Tabby

Last week you very reasonably answered my question about how to punish mommy when she locks me in a room overnight. But mommy seems to think I should take some of the blame. She says, “Just because a door is open doesn't mean you should go inside.” But what else is an open door for?

Ricky

Photo Credit: Life With Cats

Dear Ricky:

People seem to think opening doors is for moving from one room to another. They don't understand that open doors are an invitation to explore. A cat can't see an open door without exploring. Who knows what's hiding there? So your mommy should just leave the door open, and with proper training, she will.

Follow your mommy around for a week or two. Every time she opens the door, dash inside. If she calls you, don't come out. If she closes it, immediately start scratching and yowling until she opens the door. But don't leave the room just sit there. It worked with our mommy Carol. Now she never closes a door and we can all pile on mommy and daddy's bed at night.

My mommy Carol says that your mommy shouldn't bother to close the door because Stephen and Nathan are just going to open it and leave it open anyway. But then she said that if she leaves it open, Stephen and Nathan will close it just because that's what thoughtless boys do.

Boys are terrible thoughtless creatures. Daddy Phillip used to let his boy stay and he would carry us around by the neck and lock us in closets and shout at us to scare us when Daddy and Mommy weren't looking. There is good news. He disappeared a few years ago, and we hardly every see him. Stephen and Nathan will probably go away too.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 


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