Your people are your pets

Why would a loving, perfect God create dogs?

Dear Tabby

Recently my family brought this totally obnoxious beast thing called a dog. He chases me about the house, eats my food, picks me up by the scruff and carries me around the house like a chew toy. He digs through the trash and drags it all over the house. He digs up my litter box and (this is so gross) uses my droppings for snacks. He is about as horrible as horrible can get.

Today he pawed his way onto the couch and chased me off my mommy's lap. Then he (and this is even more gross) licked her face. Do you know what she said? “Thank god for doggies.” Would God really create a disgusting creature like dogs?

Lancelot

Dear Lancelot:

Why aren't you asking about ways to get back at the dog? That would be my first concern. And, trust me, mommy and daddy have made us suffer with four of them, including a disgusting neanderthal beast named Chutney.

Never trust people when they talk about God. For thousands of years they thought we were Gods. Then they lowered their sights and decided he was one of them. So they really don't understand God at all. Trust me, God did not create dogs.

You see people don't understand evolution either. If they did, they would know that dogs don't even belong on the evolutionary chart. There are two trunks on the chart. One trunk is pests, such as fleas and worms. They're going nowhere. The other is the trunk of higher creatures.

We are at the top of the trunk, sentient beings in control of our environment. People are one rung below us. They exist to serve us and keep us happy. They feed us and parent us and give us beds. Below them are food and toys like birds, fish and mice. Then there are just toys, like insects. You will notice that there are no dogs.

No one knows where dogs came from. Some cats think they are pests like fleas and worms, but pests are far easier to put up with.

Don't blame God for dogs. She is no more responsible for dogs then she is for kill shelters. The highest cat authorities believe they sprang from our nightmares or mutated from something particularly bad we left in the litter box (which explains why they like to snack there). There is no other reasonable explanation.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

Huggy mommy

Dear Tabby

For some reason my mommy thinks I should sit in her lap whenever she feels like it. I can be digging up ashes in the fireplace or running across the mantle knocking things to the floor, doing perfectly fine by myself when she will pat her lap and expect me to jump on it and sit patiently while she pets me. Do I have to put up with this?

Stripey

This person has not yet been properly trained by her cat. She can't tell that her cat is simply putting up with her untimely affections. (Photo courtesy of oxyfresh.com.)

Dear Stripey:

People think you want to share their company when they need affection, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of cats. Dogs want to share affection when people need it. In fact, dogs want to slobber over people whenever they get the chance. Cats do not like needy people. We want our humans to be available when we want to be petted. And we want to be petted when people think they have something better to do.

It's time to start training your person. This is the only way she will understand who controls the petting schedule. Until your person is properly trained, you need to hide whenever she is otherwise unoccupied and most in need of cuddling. This may be painful, but a well-trained person is a happy cat.

You should demand affection when your person is completely occupied with an activity. Pumpkin and I trained our mommy and daddy by only showing up when they were typing on their computers, eating dinner or reading on the toilet. Then you should insert yourself physically in a way that can't be ignored. Try batting at her hands or shoulder with your claws extended just enough to prick her, but not break her skin. Circle behind her and leap on her shoulders from a high spot. Sit down on her hands when she is typing and roll belly up in a manner that is utterly endearing.

By and far the best time to train your person is when she is sleeping. Sit on her pillow and pull at her hair. Bat at her nose. Most importantly, make biscuits and call her name when she is sleeping. When she wakes up angry, crawl into her arms, nuzzle her and purr as loudly as possible. Even if you don't feel it. With practice you can fake a purr so convincingly, she will wrap you in her arms and pet you. She may even sit up and give you her full attention.

With time and training, your person will give affection at the slightest prompting, but find other ways to entertain themselves when they're just being needy.

This diagram from the book “Simon's Cat” shows how to train your person.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Ellen is March’s cat person

Dear Tabby

What is an Ellen? Every afternoon my mommy sits in front of the TV and ignores me for an hour. She ignores everyone except the TV and her friends that she tweets with to watch something called Ellen and tweet about Ellen. Every week or so, she picks me up and puts me in her lap to watch kittens open doors or climb in boxes or sit in drawers or do something else that cats do every single day as though it's special and I should be impressed. I don't get it. Am I missing something?

Ellen Kitty

Dear Ellen Kitty:

Since your mommy named you Ellen kitty, you do seem to miss the obvious. Ellen is not a thing, she's a person. Well, she's more than a person. She's a cat person. I don't mean someone who likes cats. Ellen really is a cat who passes as a person. Cats who watch Ellen know this because she leaps across her table and stretches in her chair and plays tricks on people. She also has lots of cats at home to keep her company.

Not all parents watch Ellen. Some watch Oprah and others watch The View. But cats watch Ellen because Ellen is a cat person. She plays with guests the way we play with our rubber mice. Why? Because she's a cat person. As a tribute to the world's best cat person, we are naming Ellen our Cat Person of the month.

March's official cat person: Ellen before she puts on her people makeup.

Ellen's real name is Ellen Degenpurrus. She wakes every morning alongside her cats and Portia, the woman who takes care of them. Then she puts on her people make up and climbs in her carrier so Portia can take her to her studio, where people have to wait on her hand in feet (another sure sign she's really a cat). She is such a great cat person that her mommy named you after her.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoirCat Food Breath @CatFoodBreathGrumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Out of the Closet Redux

Dear Tabby

Last week you very reasonably answered my question about how to punish mommy when she locks me in a room overnight. But mommy seems to think I should take some of the blame. She says, “Just because a door is open doesn't mean you should go inside.” But what else is an open door for?

Ricky

Photo Credit: Life With Cats

Dear Ricky:

People seem to think opening doors is for moving from one room to another. They don't understand that open doors are an invitation to explore. A cat can't see an open door without exploring. Who knows what's hiding there? So your mommy should just leave the door open, and with proper training, she will.

Follow your mommy around for a week or two. Every time she opens the door, dash inside. If she calls you, don't come out. If she closes it, immediately start scratching and yowling until she opens the door. But don't leave the room just sit there. It worked with our mommy Carol. Now she never closes a door and we can all pile on mommy and daddy's bed at night.

My mommy Carol says that your mommy shouldn't bother to close the door because Stephen and Nathan are just going to open it and leave it open anyway. But then she said that if she leaves it open, Stephen and Nathan will close it just because that's what thoughtless boys do.

Boys are terrible thoughtless creatures. Daddy Phillip used to let his boy stay and he would carry us around by the neck and lock us in closets and shout at us to scare us when Daddy and Mommy weren't looking. There is good news. He disappeared a few years ago, and we hardly every see him. Stephen and Nathan will probably go away too.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Share and share alike

Dear Kitties,

Don't forget to leap on the stove and lick up the grease when it's cool. That's the tastiest part.

Jenny

Thanks, Yasmine.

 

Out of the closet

Dear Tabby

When my parents accidentally lock me in a room overnight and don't hear me howling until the morning, how should I pay them back without being too obvious but still making my point?

Ricky

Dear Ricky:

It is your parents responsibility to make sure you are not in the room before they lock it. They deserve any payback they get and it should be obvious so they will get the point. And it should be immediate. Humans are dense and if you delay punishment they may not make the connection and simply think you are being bad.

Some cats think your parents will feel guilty enough just for finding you locked in the room, but those cats don't understand their humans. Humans think the universe is about them and not about us, even though it is. My recommendation? When they open the door, make sure they see you.

Rush up to them and rub their feet so they realize they have locked you in. Meow pathetically. (If you haven't learned how, you haven't earned your cat credentials yet.) Then you should jump up on a surface, knock something over and stare at them until they apologize, even if they already apologized. Best of all, knock over something they will have to clean up.

If they lock you in a closet, however, you should't wait for them to unlock the door. Use the opportunity to have fun. Leap on every shelf and push things to the front so they lean against the door. Then, when they open the door, everything will fall out and you can sit there as though you had nothing to do with it.

They'll know it was you, but they'll know it was there fault.

Finally, after you have punished them, play the guilt card. Beg for food, treats, anything they will give you. Make the most of it.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

Special Delivery

Dear Tabby:

I am a perfectly gorgeous blue Persian who used to have her mommy all to herself. A few months ago, mommy got a new boyfriend and I don't like him. She doesn't pay as much attention and he won't let me on the bed. When mommy isn't looking he kicks me or says mean things like, “You think you're precious but you're just a dumb cat.” What should I do?

Princess Purrsalot

Dear Princess Purrsalot:

Wait until both are asleep and then pee on the bed. But make sure to pee on his side so mommy gets the message. Make sure to be cuddling her when she wakes up and when he yells, act scared, leap into her arms and purr. Keep doing this and she will send him to the pound.

Write Jenny

Don't understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can't answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

 

Possession is nine-tenths of mouseball

Dear Tabby:

Ollie is an orange tabby and I am a tabby tabby. Sometimes mommy leaves stuff on the counter that is perfect for mouseball. Ollie knocks it to the floor and we roll it around the kitchen and living room. We have so much fun. Usually mommy gives us a nasty look and puts the mouseball in a cupboard where we can't play anymore.

But yesterday Mommy came home and found our mouseball had broken and screamed something about priceless crystal sculpture. What happened? Did we do something bad?

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy:

You did nothing wrong. Cats can't be blamed if they find mouseballs to play with. Anything on the floor or that we can knock on the floor is ours to play with. Just like bacon left on the stove is ours to eat. If your mommy didn't want you to play mouseball she shouldn't have left you one.

Write Jenny

Don’t understand your people? Email Jenny with any people questions. If I can’t answer there are plenty of fosters here who can help me. For example:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Also follow:

Henri the Existential Cat @HenriLeChatNoir
Cat Food Breath @CatFoodBreath
Grumpy Cat @GrumpyyCat

Super Bowl Kickoff

Dear Tabby will officially kickoff during the Super Bowl because cats need something to distract them from all that people noise. My mommy and daddy have learned to keep the volume down and never cheer because we startle easily and sink our claws into their toes.

Dear Tabby is a blog for cats to help them understand strange people behavior. For instance, why do we understand people calls but they don’t understand ours?

From kickoff till the end off the game we will follow the Dear Tabby official mouseball game and keep you updated.

Rules of Mouseball

  1. Drop ball onto floor and leave it
  2. Cats may or may not choose to play
  3. Cats who do play may bat the ball wherever
  4. Game ends when cat gets bored
  5. Any cat may resume the game
  6. Players may switch balls at anytime for any reason
  7. If human steps on ball and trips and hurts themselves they still have to feed us and change our litter
  8. (European rules only: cats may not use rear paws or make contact with other cats as if anyone could enforce this)
  9. To score is human. To ignore is cat.
  10. Where’s dinner?

I would like to thank daddy, who translates and types this for me.

Write Jenny

Don’t understand your people? Ask Jenny anything:

  • How do I get them away from their plates so I can eat the good stuff?
  • How can I get my people to use that little bed they gave me so I can have the good one all to myself?
  • How do I drive away that pesky dog?

Email your questions to Dear Tabby.

kitteez cuming

this iz the site for all ur peeple kwestions an peeple etiket an mannerz. we ar collekting kwestions now to eksplain y peeple do strange things.


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